Writing our heart out

Day and night, day and night, day and night. 

Night and day, night and day, night and day. 

Day and night…

I’m balancing on the stone ledge of a flowerbed, singing those words over and over. It’s a monotonous melody and I feel slightly hypnotized. I no longer hear what other people tell me (”Stop singing!”, ”What’s wrong with you?”, ”HELLO?!”, ”Sing something else at least!”, ”Why day and night?”). 

We were sitting on the floor in what I now presume was a dance studio. It had a soft plastic floor and white walls mostly covered in full length mirrors. I was maybe four years old and the other children were about the same age as me. One of my relatives was teaching us the ”Day and night” song. She said the world is different during the day and the night. When it is daytime, the sun shines and people move and make lots of noise. When it is nighttime, darkness reigns and people are  still and silent. Everyone is a different person during daytime and nighttime. Sometimes we are night. Sometimes we are day. After night follows day, and after day follows night. But it can never be day and night at the same time – such a thing would be impossible. 

Day/Normal

To have a ”Day” – or to have a ”Normal” – is to have an alter that is oblivious to the existence of the cult and/or the organized sexual abuse of children. Bianca was my ”Normal”, my ”Day” – until she woke up and we started integrating or being co-conscious with her.

Night

All the alters that are aware of the cult and/or the sexual abuse are classified as ”Night”. The Night alters are taught that they need to show complete allegiance and loyalty to the cult, or the cult will not let any alter live. 

Dusk

Usually, when a Day alter goes Dusk, it’s the cause for a huge celebration. Becoming Dusk, or ”loosing one’s Normal”, means that one has remembered and cognitively accepted the existence of the cult and the abuse. I was taught that the only way for my Day to become Dusk was if the cult would initiate her. First she’d need to be very obedient, embrace the cult’s values and let herself be abused and also abuse others. One after one, many of the other children lost their Normals. I did not.

I’ve pieced this terminology together from fragmented memories. I wonder if the epithets are from a single cult, or from a subculture? Books and series such as The Twilight Saga and Shadowhunters (Mortal Instruments) paint an exciting shadow world hidden in the midst of – seemingly – normal life. But the real world of gloomy and sweeping shadows (for example, child abuse) is so very, very sad and painful. Since I awoke from amnesia, I no longer believe myself to live in a world where there is only sunshine. The world has shadows of every kind of shade and density.

Survivors, then, would be Wild Dusk – we’re aware of certain realities in the world, but no longer controlled by them.