Writing our heart out

HUGE TRIGGER warning. S***nism, child sexual abuse, water torture, death.

Only read this if you are sure you can handle it and have some support afterwards.

This is out of context unless the blog has been read in a chronological order.

Guinevere:

I’m crestfallen after trying to speak with Samantha. Sniveling I approach her siblings, Diana and Thomas. Diana is the same age as me and when she’s not gone, she’s one of my best friends. Right now Diana is hugging her bare chest with her arms, staring blankly into space.

”I’m cold, I’m cold”, she shivers. It looks as if she’s not home today, but I still have to try.

”Diana they will kill Eric”, I whisper.

”I’m cold, I’m cold”, Diana whimpers. I wave my hands in front of her face – no reaction. She’s always like this whenever they undress her. I seek out Thomas, her little brother. He’s sitting eyeing the wall in front of him, curled up into a ball and hugging his knees. No matter what I say he won’t answer. I want to lie down on the concrete floor and cry, but then I see the silhouette of Eric sleeping. He’s so still, vulnerable – I need to continue. Spreading the message amongst the children isn’t easy. Men and women try grab me and pull off my clothes. I dart underneath their outstretched arms and bite down hard on any hand that tries to grab me. I’m aiming to reach a family I recognize from other cult meetings.

Samantha usually get into catfights with their daughter Ariana, the two are same aged and archenemies. Samantha is almost always the provocateur. If the boy or man Samantha fancies at the moment looks more at Ariana than at her, she’ll initiate a fight. All the children in this family are already undressed. Ariana is staring fixedly at the floor, trying not to cry. She’s attempting to cover her private parts with her hands, but her parents keep snatching them away, admonishing:

”You should be proud of your body”. 

I take advantage of their distraction to seek out Ariana’s brother Vincent. He’s a couple of years older than me and in this instance, he’s sitting tied and gagged on the floor. I love Vincent’s fighting spirit. (It’s probably because of said spirit they don’t let me, Eric or Philip hang out with Vincent.) I sit down beside him.

”They’re gonna kill Eric”, I whisper. ”Harry said so”. Vincent makes big eyes at these news and struggles against the bonds holding him.

”Mmmmfff!”

”What do we have here?” Oh no, Vincent’s father has seen us!

”Nothing”, I state.

”Obviously not”, the father counters. ”You know you’re strictly forbidden to speak with him.”

”I don’t remember that”, I answer.

”Well now you know”, the father determines. ”So hop away!”

”You look like you need some help”, the mother interrupts, ”with your clothes.”

”I have a secret!” I blurt. I might as well tell them and hopefully they’ll forget about my clothes.

”If it’s a secret, I prefer not to hear it”, the father replies.

”It’s important! They will kill someone here today”. This gains their attention.

”We have not been informed of this.” The mother is bothered.

”No, and I do not want that kind of trouble.” The father looks slightly worried. ”Who?”

”Him”. I point at Eric. ”If he doesn’t obey”.

The parents exhale, apparently relieved. 

”No, no, don’t worry. They wouldn’t kill him. Who would want to anger a Priestess, after all?”

Eric’s mother may be a Priestess, but I’ve seen people disrespect her too many times. I decide to run before the parents try to take my clothes, but someone tugs at my arm. It’s their youngest child, a little boy.

”Let’s go hide”, he whispers to me. 

”I have to save Eric”, I whisper back. ”I’ll hide with you later”. I’ve already seen there is no place to hide in this barn. It was the first thing I noticed. I run off crying. I won’t be able to take the little boy somewhere safe. The huge barn doors are closed and locked.

I continue running, dodging people. I’m the only one except for Eric who’s not undressed and it makes me a clear target. In a corner of the barn is a new family, one I haven’t seen before. It’s worth a try, I say to myself and draw closer to them.

”Hi”, I salute them.

”Hello”, the father answers. He’s a strong looking man with a long beard. ”And who might you be?”

”Guinevere”.

”Who’s that? Are you Anna’s daughter?”

”No, she’s my Auntie”.

”Aha, then I know who you are. They’re training you as well? Figure that!” He turns to his wife. ”Her mother is an outcast – how do they even accomplish this!”

This family have two children – a boy older than me and a little baby, whom the mother is cradling in her arms. The older boy is curled up, sleeping on the floor. I sit down beside him and push his shoulders, but there’s no reaction. I pull his hair a little – no, he must have been put to sleep. 

”What’s his name?” I ask the parents. They’re smiling at each other. Maybe they think I fancy their son.

”George”, the mother tells me. I’m thinking George is probably a nice person, since they felt the need to sedate him. I lean towards his ear, whispering:

”They will kill Eric”. Maybe he’ll hear me somehow and fight later.

”What did you say?” The father questions. I look over my shoulder and see some old men approaching. I’ll have to deliver my message fast.

”They will kill Eric today,” I announce. ”Everyone is here today to kill Eric”.

”No”, the father chuckles. ”This is Eric’s initiation, his first step. It’s a celebration, nothing else. That’s what Eric’s mother told us.”

”But Harry said Eric will obey or die”, I counter. The parents look uncomfortable. 

”We’re not letting that happen”, the father declares. I hope he’s telling the truth, but I don’t have much time to mull it over, because now I have to run.

The old men chasing me make me panic and suddenly I collide with Marcus, who orders:

”Off with your clothes!” I hit Marcus as hard as I can and jump to the side, but he tackles me and down I fall on the floor, concrete scraping my skin. He’s trying to touch me underneath my clothes. I scream furiously and bite his ear – hard. He sits up and I haste away before he has time to counteract. I throw a glance over my shoulder and see him following. I turn around, staring him down. Then I scream, as loud as I can. This attracts Eric’s mother’s attention. 

”Leave her be”, she tells Marcus.

”She has to take her clothes off!”

”I’ll do that. You leave that to us.”

”I’m gonna punish her, she bit me!”

”No you’re not!” Eric’s mother objects. ”If she bit you, it’s because you did something that upset her! You have to let us handle her”. Marcus tries walking up to me, but Eric’s mother stops him with an arm:

”Listen, she is not a normal child. She may be a bit autistic. Leave her alone, or she’ll have a meltdown. We do not have time for one of those.” Marcus still won’t listen, not until Eric’s mother demands:

”As a priestess, I order you to leave!” I stand still beside Eric’s mother, trying to look as if I’m one of her kids. I’ve heard her say many times that I’m just like Eric and that normal people don’t get us, they don’t know how to handle children like him and me. Philip sneaks up beside me. He’s hoping I’ve had some success but we have to face it: we’re the only fighters left. 

”Did you see the sleeping boy?” I ask. ”His name is George – he might be a friend!”

”It’s a shame he’s not awake”, Philip replies. ”I’m gonna guard Eric.” He walks to the middle of the room and I run over to my mother to see how she’s doing.

I sit beside Mother, a hand on her chest. She’s breathing, but I’m crying. At least they let her keep her clothes. Uncle strides towards us. I won’t get to keep mine. I can hear Philip screaming:

”Leave me alone!” He’s still on the loose, trying to outrun those chasing him. Uncle rips my t-shirt apart but when I’m naked he walks off, snapping:

”Today isn’t about you”. 

I huddle in a ball, hugging my knees. I see them undressing Eric in the centre of the room. Philip is still being hunted and some man calls:

”Can we teach him a lesson?”

”Do what you want to”, Uncle shouts back. ”Just don’t kill him”. I should defend Philip. But I’m tired now, it’s useless and I’m afraid of the men targeting Philip. I feel shame. Shame that I’m not moving, not doing anything to help him. They strip Philip and kick him until he’s in so much pain he can’t move. I see him lying still on the floor and I hear his sobs echoing through the room. I hold Mother’s hand and cry. I’m a coward, I hate myself now. 

Harry resumes his old position in the shaft of sunlight, harrumphing loudly. All sounds except for those of crying children die down.

”Cold water!” Harry cries and someone brings him a bucket. He pours it over Eric, everything at once. It must be a complete shock for Eric’s body, but he keeps himself completely still. 

”Hot water!” Harry commands. Grandmother hurries over with some thermos flasks. The threat of scalding water prompts Eric to sit up. Harry clears his throat. Is it time for the speech? Marcus proudly positions himself on Harry’s left side. It is the spot of honor for whomever Harry wishes to honor that day.

”Now listen!” Harry hollers. ”I have something to say.” The crying children are silenced, as much as possible anyhow.

”First, we have a new member! Let’s congratulate X and Y on the birth of their second son, XX!” The adults in the room cheer. ”We’ll welcome XX with all our love in just a minute. After that, Eric will finally become one of us!” Eric is silent. Harry only smiles at him.

”Long ago, my father made a pact.” Here he stops, waiting. The audience remembers what it’s supposed to do and cheers.

”A pact with the Devil”, Harry says solemnly. Oh, it’s the speech. I’ve heard it many times before and over the years I’ll come to learn it by heart. 

”All the money, all the whores and all the little goodies in the world!” Little goodies means drugs, but they don’t want children to walk around saying ”drugs”, therefore they talk of goodies instead.  ”In return he gave his blood: all his children and their children. And as you know, he fathered quite a few of those.” Here he throws the audience a winning smile, before picking up again:

 ”His seed was strong! And the fruits of it belong to S***n, for every generation to come. We should be thankful! S***n will give us all the money, all the whores, and all the goodies. In fact, he is so generous, he even gives us all the knowledge and all the secrets. The secret to magic is ours! Other people”, Harry gestures at Mother, ”may search for these secrets all their life, and never find them! It is the societies of S***n that hold the keys, because S***n stole them for us from the tree of knowledge! In this Society, we oppose God. We take the tools given to us by our Lord – our Lord S***n – the secrets, the magic, the whores, the money and the little goodies – and we use them all! We use them because we fight. For freedom! This is the Night! The Day and the Normals have no power here! I call on the Night, I call its servants! Let us end God’s tyranny!” The audience cheers here too – it’s obligatory. ”Here, in the Night, you are safe, you are free! Nothing is forbidden here, and you will not be punished for following your instincts! Your natural instincts! This is the Night. I give you the Night, a gift from my father to all of us. Enjoy it!”

Harry looks intently at Eric.

”Now will you receive the gift I give you?” He asks. Eric is silent, then he replies:

”I am not worthy of your gift. I will never have children – I have nothing to offer any Society.”

”Of course you’ll have children!” Harry exclaims.

”No.” Eric says.

”You could offer your Self”, Harry suggests.

”I already have. I have done all you’ve asked, all my life.” The audience boos loudly.

”I see. You do not understand. When I say ”yourself”, I mean the Self inside you. Offer your Self up to change and let us mold you”.

”I have done that”, Eric’s eyes are tearing. I want to run to him but his mother is beside me now, holding me still.

”You won’t touch anyone below your own age. You are not following orders.” Harry sighs. ”I will have to spell it out for you!” Harry signals to Eric’s father, who is standing beside a huge tripod video camera.

”Shall I start filming?” Eric’s father asks.

”Start now”, Harry orders. Then he addresses Eric:

”You are here to obey. Obey or die.”

”I’ve obeyed you all my life”, Eric answers. At this I hear people snicker. ”Who do you want me to blow?”

”That one”. Harry points at one of the younger boys in the room, who looks to be about three years old.

”Forget it”, Eric answers. ”I’m not doing children”.

”Yes you are!”

”You don’t need me to – you can only sell me to adults, after all. And I’m almost too old for anyone to want me. I don’t understand why I’m here.”

”To obey”, Harry insists. ”Now.”

”This is idiotic”, Eric replies. ”I’m not doing this.”

”Then you’ll die”.

”So kill me! But first, answer me why? Why? What’s the sense in this?”

Harry seems confused by this question. Eric’s mother walks over to her son. 

”It’s the only way for you to be a part of the family”, she explains. ”We need to know we can trust you.”

”I love you and I love everyone here.” Eric answers sincerely. ”But I can not and will not change who I am. So shut me out of the family!”

”You were born into this.” Harry is unshakable. ”Your only choice is to accept or die. You are of the blood – your life is not your own.” Eric eyes Harry silently.

”Take some time to think”, Harry instructs Eric. ”Now is the time to welcome XX, with all our love! May the magic run strong in his blood!”

Welcoming baby XX with all their love meant they sexually abused him. I will not publish the details of it – I am only thankful XX survived. If you wonder why I write it at all, it’s because I feel it needs to be told. I’ll not obscure the crimes perpetrated.

”Now what do you say?” Harry requests of Eric. ”We are your family and we love you too.” Eric is silent, his eyes vacant. I had run to Eric when they ”welcomed” the baby. He was too drugged to stand, but he lifted his hands trying to shield my eyes. He isn’t at home now – he is staring blankly ahead of himself. Harry orders that all the children be brought before Eric, to serve him. The adults push us into a line and Eric’s mother makes sure I’m at the end of it. Each child is told they need to wake Eric, preferably through ’serving’ (abusing) him. None succeeds to get any reaction at all from Eric. Philip is laid down in front of Eric, but he can’t move, he’s in too much pain. His cheeks have blood on them and his body is bruised. Eric doesn’t glance at Philip, nor anyone else. I’m the only one left now.

”Eric, Eric”, I plead, ”please come back! I miss you – please talk to me!” Eric is still uncommunicative, looking right through me. I start shouting, I’m scared! He doesn’t usually ignore me. I try hugging him, but he doesn’t hug me back. I panic and slap his face – nothing.

”Serve him, serve him!” The men holler. I hug my knees, close my eyes and try to disappear.

”Bianca, don’t give up”, Eric’s mother whispers. ”This is your chance to save his life”. I do everything I detest, because I do not want him to die. I’m sobbing now, howling:

”Don’t die don’t die you said you shouldn’t die! Don’t leave me! You said you’d never leave me!!” I attack him furiously, nail and tooth. I won’t let him leave me!

”That was our last resort”, Harry sighs. ”Bring the water.”

”Don’t hurt him!” I hug Eric’s arm. I feel people pulling at me, trying to haul me away.

”No!! NOOO!! NOOO!!” They’re stronger than me. ”I’m sorry Eric, I’m sorry for hitting you, I want you to live!” And then I shriek, as loud and piercing as I can. People cover their ears. Eric finally turns his head, glancing at me. 

”You’re back!” Harry exclaims. He gestures at me. ”Now be a man and take her!” Eric spits at the floor in front of Harry. 

”You had your chance and lost it!” Harry fumes. ”Water, now!” 

I try to break free of the people holding me.

”Gloves, gloves”, somebody yowls. ”Gloves, fast!” I keep biting at the gloved hands covering my mouth, until my teeth hurt from the effort.

Uncle has pushed Eric’s head into the bucket of water many times now. In the beginning Eric thrashed around, but now Uncle doesn’t need any of the other adults to hold the bucket still for him. Eric can’t even sit up when Uncle lets go of him. I’m flailing my arms and legs uselessly, those pinioning me are too strong. They’re taking turns because I’m tiring them out. 

”Let’s put her to sleep”, Auntie’s husband huffs.

”No, no,” Eric’s grandmother answers. ”He cares for her – she might be useful.” Eric’s father approaches Uncle and Harry.

”This isn’t leading anywhere”, he protests. Harry puts a hand on his shoulder.

”We shall continue until he breaks” Harry says firmly. ”This is how it’s done”. Every time Eric gains his breath, Uncle asks if he’s willing to cooperate. Eric whispers ”no”.

”You have to stop this!” Eric’s mother finally proclaims. ”I see now it’s impossible to train him. It’s because he’s autistic! In my family there is autism, he has it in his blood! Autistic people are crazy-stubborn – you’re gonna kill him!” Auntie reacts to this:

”He’s not autistic at all! Are you trying to secure some special treatment, does he deserve a softer treatment than our children? Autistic people don’t know how to manipulate! Eric is the most manipulative boy I’ve ever met!” 

Eric’s mother is really upset:

”He’s not manipulative, he’s just being himself! He is very intelligent, that’s not the same thing!”

Harry harrumphs:

”The Law is the same for everyone. Everyone. Those who do not serve die.” Eric’s mother kicks the bucket away.

”You are killing him and I’m not letting you! If my father was here he’d kill you!” She turns towards Uncle:

”I’m not letting you murder him!”

”Stop her! Stop her!” Auntie shouts. Auntie’s husband grabs Eric’s mother around the waist and drag her to the side of the room, where she’s tied and gagged. Then he attempts to rape her and questions why she won’t enjoy it.

”Not while my son is dying”, she cries.

”Enough! Enough!” The strong, bearded man from the new family objects. ”Stop this madness – this is enough!”

”I’m the one who gives the orders here!” Harry raves. ”I say continue!”

”I’m not having any part of this!” The strong man objects. ”Stop it now or we’re out of here!” 

Nobody dares support the man from the new family. When he sees this, he lifts up his still sleeping son and ushers wife with baby to the barn doors. In the doorway he waves a fist in the air, shouting:

”This is why I broke contact with you all! You’ll end up murdering that boy and yes he probably is autistic – you’re lunatics, all of you! You should be locked up!” And with that they’re out the door. I’m crying so much I’m shaking. They didn’t fight to save Eric – they ran off!

”Continue”, Harry orders Uncle. Eric looks as if he’s not long for this world.

”Daddy daddy why are they doing this? You have to save Eric!” Samantha entreats. Her father gestures for her to be silent. I think it’s then she finally gets how serious the situation is. She tries to run to Eric, but her father wrestles her to the ground and holds her still. Her legs are kicking and I hear an ”Oww!”, it appears she bit him. She’s finally fighting, her nails scratching his back, but he is much stronger. Her little sister Diana starts screaming. Out of all of us, Diana has the most piercing voice. She wails and screeches like a banshee. Diana is somewhere outside my field of vision and suddenly I can not hear her anymore. They must have made her sleep or gagged her.

I’m scared. I’m switching between my Selfs. Each one of us believe we will be stronger than the last, but nobody can break loose. Adults are still holding our arms behind us so we can’t run to Eric. ”I failed, I failed”, we lament. When it happens, we’re tired from struggling and about to sink down. Uncle puts Eric on the floor, but Eric doesn’t stir. Uncle shakes him, shouts at him. Eric’s father rushes forward. 

”Back down!” He screams at the people drawing closer. Then he begins pushing on Eric’s chest and blowing air into his mouth. Grandmother dashes to their side, majestically vociferating:

”By the Light of Day, I command you wake!” All is silent as Eric’s father continues trying to resuscitate his son. Some children tries to ask what is happening, but the adults shush them. Someone behind me says: 

”We should tell him it’s too late and he should stop now” and someone else answers:

”No, no, let him”. I close my eyes. It is then I hear Eric’s father crying – loud sobs that echo through the room. 

”He is gone”, he cries and then he screams it:

”HE IS GONE!”. I open my eyes and see him letting go of his son, backing away. I try to break loose again. I call on every Self I have. It is forbidden, and I don’t know how I do it, but suddenly I’m able to. Every part of me loves Eric. His grandmother is the one holding me now. I see a bit of her arm is bare – we chomp down hard on it! Suddenly we’re free and we sprint towards Eric.