TRIGGER warning – death, grief.
This is out of context unless the blog has been read in a chronological order.
Guinevere, Bianca, Giselle
Eric is so still.
I lean down, put my ear against his chest and listen for a heartbeat. Is it on the left or right? I always forget which is which. I listen to both sides. I can’t hear a thing and I feel my own heart thudding painfully. I look at his chest but it’s not moving. Has he left his body? The adults always talk of ”leaving their bodies” and going on ”journeys”. But they never stop breathing while ”journeying”. I feel scared. I want Eric back with me now! I hug Eric, call his name, try to haul him up by his arms. His arms just fall back on the floor. Someone shouts:
”He’s dead Bianca, dead!”
Dead? Dead means they’ll lay him in a coffin. It means they’ll bury him – I will never get to see him again! I start crying. I have so much to say to him! He can’t leave now!
”Eric, listen. You are the most beautiful boy in the world. You’re not gonna marry Samantha, you’re gonna marry me! You’re the kindest, the funniest! You’re the bravest. I love you!”
Eric doesn’t wake up.
”There is nobody like you!”
Bianca is worried she might have upset him, that she teased him too much.
”I’m sorry I called you Daddy! I love you!”
Still no reaction.
”I’m sorry Guinevere hit you! She’s sorry! She – I – love you! Giselle loves you! She can’t talk but she loves you! Baby loves you!”
We all love him, but he won’t stir.
”I don’t want to be here without you!” Maybe God could help. I clasp my hands and whisper:
”God wake him. God wake Eric, please!”
I’m beside myself and inside myself at the same time. I feel myself crying and I see myself crying from the outside. I stand up beside Eric’s body, wailing:
”ERIC! ERIC! GOD! GOD!”
Eric doesn’t come back to his body. If he won’t come back, I’ll go with him! He’s not leaving without me!
”ERIC TAKE ME WITH YOU!” I slam myself down on his body. I’m hoping that could make me leave mine too. I land with a heavy thud across his stomach. It didn’t work – I’m still inside myself. I stand up, sobbing hysterically, and throw myself across his stomach and chest again.
”Take me with you!” Thud!
”I want to go with you!” Thud!
”Don’t leave!” Thud!
”I want to follow!” Thud! Loud sobs. I don’t know how many times I do this. I’m about to fling myself across Eric again when his body shudders. Water comes out of his mouth and his head turns a little to the side. I kneel beside him, watching anxiously as he continues vomiting. Then he tries to lean on his arm but he’s to weak. I try to lift him so he can lie on his side, but I’m not strong enough. Eric vomits some more and then he just lies on his back, breathing. I cry and pat his head. Eventually he rolls onto his side, l let him lean on me as he tries to sit up. Bianca feels frightened, she wants to sit in his lap so we try to. But Eric falls back down if we don’t support him. We feel bad now, it’s our fault he fell and this concrete floor hurts a lot. I sit beside him, his arm over my shoulder. People give us our clothes back. I pull Eric’s t-shirt over his head but his dad has to help him with underwear and jeans. I put on my clothes and Auntie frets about my torn t-shirt. Everything has to look normal if her sister wakes up, everything. The doors to the barn have been opened and sunlight streams in.
”It is Day now”, Harry declares.
Eric refuses to look at the people in the room. Tears are falling from his eyes but he doesn’t make a sound. He will only look at me and he tries to smile for my sake. I hold his hand. Suddenly I feel someone trying to pull me away from him. It is Uncle.
”We should talk”, Uncle pleads with Eric. ”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
Eric shakes his head, holding me close so Uncle can’t take me.
”Eric, listen now. I had to…I didn’t think you’d…”
Eric finally lifts his head, looking at everyone gathered here. Uncle is still insisting:
”Listen Eric. You have to let go of her.”
Eric won’t speak a word for weeks. He only utters this once:
”She is mine.”