Writing our heart out

This is out of context unless the blog has been read in a chronological order.

My best memory is how I got my name.

I’ve replayed it in my mind a million times. I was seven years old and I was crying when I rushed into the kitchen. Eric was washing the dishes and asked me what had happened. But I couldn’t talk. He leaned down to look at me and I gave his back a knock with my fist. His Second Self took over and I put my hand on my throat. It means ”I am the Silent”. 

”Guinevere, Guinevere”, he said and Guinevere came and explained:

”She’s sad because she doesn’t have a name and she doesn’t want to be called ’the Silent’”. Eric pushed a finger against my waist, that is the trigger for our silent Selves. 

”Do you want a name?” He asked. I nodded. I was starting to cry again because images of what had happened before I entered the kitchen flew through my mind. Eric sat down on the floor and I came to sit in his lap.

”Do you know how to write?” he asked. I shook my head. Bianca and Guinevere knew a little but I was never called forth in school. 

”Is there any special name you want, you could tell Guinevere and she’ll tell me.” I thought for a while. Eric called on Guinevere and she said:

”She wants you to give her a name”. 

”Giselle”, Eric said. ”It is French and it means ’hostage’. You and I are hostages here, but one day we’ll be free. I name you Giselle so that you may remember this is only temporary…all the bad things…”, tears started rolling down his cheeks but he continued, ”…and so you know I always love you. No matter what happens, no matter what they force you to do, I always, always love you.”

I cried some more and hugged him.

”You’re not alone”, he said. ”You’re not alone Giselle. We’ll be free somehow. Someday.”

I am the alter who loves herself the least but was most liked by my relatives. 

I was trained to be Silent and obedient. Silence came first, obedience later. The punishment for using my voice was so cruel, I had a near-death experience. I do not wish to share the details because I don’t want anyone else to be tortured like that, ever. I came back and I chose to comply because I was frightened I’d die for good. I didn’t want to leave Mother and Eric. 

I am happy for Gina, for the life she has now and all the wonderful people in it. But I am barely here. I have the most difficult memories. So I want to take integration slowly. Guinevere says I should write about things I like. I like this quote from Harry Potter, in which Snape calls forth his Patronus: 

From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: 

She landed on the office floor, 

bounded once across the office, 

and soared out of the window. 

Dumbledore watched her fly away, 

and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, 

and his eyes were full of tears. 

“After all this time?”

“Always,” said Snape.