Writing our heart out

TRIGGER warning – cult abuse, cult information.

This is out of context unless the blog has been read in a chronological order. Link to previous post:

Bianca, almost 6 years old:

First time I stood on the porch outside Elijah’s house, I felt a little nervous – I had never played with him outside kindergarten before. Would we have a good day, or would he start a fight with me? He was a boy. I didn’t know what to make of him yet.
”Welcome to our house: it is magical!” Elijah’s mother exclaimed. Then she taught us how to shout ”Open, Sesame!” in chorus. It took us several tries and lots of laughs before we succeeded in saying the words exactly the same time. When we did, she unlocked the door. I stomped off the snow from my boots before entering. Wow, a whole house! So big!

”Elijah, you can show Bianca around”, his mother suggested. He nodded and took my hand. Elijah could get a mean hurt in his throat, when that happened we communicated with gestures instead of words. I didn’t need to worry about how he would treat me – within minutes we were busy building with wooden blocks. Just like me, he could concentrate for hours on the same game. Other kids would tire and shove the blocks, but we kept creating, each structure more magnificent than the last. I understood Elijah’s throat was hurting, but I wanted him to whisper to me. At The Butterflies, he would whisper, sometimes.

”Elijah can you whisper?” He shook his head. ”Elijah are you angry?” He shook his head again. I felt relieved. ”Do you want to play with me?” He nodded and gave me a hug. I felt good now. When Mother showed up some hours later, the afternoon had passed peacefully. I didn’t care Elijah wasn’t talking, not as long as he was kind to me.

Guinevere:

If the sun shone, little rainbows danced all over the house. Every window had crystal prisms in it and in a tree in the garden a wind chime sung. I saw rainbow colors everywhere; a rainbow rug on the floor, colorful curtains, rainbow striped pillows and a rainbow blanket. Later Elijah’s parents took some rainbows away – someone had asked whether they were closet homosexuals. This made them laugh but they cut down on the rainbow colors in order to avoid confusion. Their family belonged to the Rainbow Circle – one of the Circles within the Society. Rainbows have become a symbol of the Pride movement, but the Rainbow Circle is something much older. The rainbow colors correspond to different emotions and magical energies. For example, white is innocence, untapped potential, something uncreated. Green is growth and tranquility, yellow joyfulness, grey an absence of emotion (or depression), pink is love, red sexual energy and black envy, greed, hatred. Violet stands for spiritual qualities and desires, blue for mental energy.

Some of my female relatives also belonged to Rainbow Circle. When it comes to Circles, girls aren’t offered as many membership choices as boys. I found out at the age of thirteen some of the most influential ones are closed off to females. Like the one most my male relatives were part of, it was called the Grey Brotherhood. Out of curiosity, I once asked Grandfather why it was a ”Grey” Brotherhood. Were all its members depressed? He raised both eyebrows and merely stared at me for a while. Then he sighed, replying:
”Because rocks and stones are grey. Like rocks and stones, we are hard. Compared with a normal human we’re unbreakable! We believe in doing things the hard way, the old-fashioned way. It’s like building houses. Some people build a house of cards and it all falls down. We build with stones – our buildings last. In other words, our magic lasts. Our methods are cruel, but they’re the most solid.”
To gain entrance, a man must have been raised within the Grey Brotherhood or provide evidence he’d suffered sufficiently cruel abuse as a child. It was not a club for weaklings. Women could be registered to the Grey Brotherhood, but only as belongings of their father or spouse. My grandparents house had a grayness to it. It felt like a vortex, seeping away all life energy that dared venture through its door. In contrast, Elijah’s family’s house was full of life. Yes there was sorrow etched in the walls and horror lurked behind dark corners. But there was also beauty – it felt like a magical place.

Bianca:

It was a fairytale winter. We made colorful ice lanterns in the garden. After a night of fresh snowfall we gathered the most pristine snow in a frying pan. Then we drizzled melted chocolate onto the snow and it froze into fantastical shapes. I loved playing with Elijah, I felt free of sorrows in his company.

Giselle:
My grandparents gave me a rainbow bracelet at the age of thirteen. Once again, I was informed of Rainbow Circle’s goal – to legalize ”love” for everyone, everywhere, regardless of age, gender and species. ”Love” in rainbow talk translates to sex.

If you’re born in The Society, thirteen is the age when at least one of your Selves need to belong to a circle. If you’re ambitious, you can join multiple circles. But one Self can never belong to more than one circle. In order to unlock all of The Society’s secrets, you need a fragmented mind.

I held the little bracelet in my hand, feeling utterly defeated. It symbolized everything I detested – child abuse, animal abuse, lies! Love and sex is not the same and sex with somebody unable to consent is called rape.

So many years of fighting abusers, hiding from insane demands and here I was, no stronger than all the rest. It’s this or a sacrificial death, I said to myself. I couldn’t help it, tears streamed down my face. Immediately Auntie questioned why I cried. I wrote a note saying I felt so relieved to be safe, to belong to a circle! Such a huge relief the struggle for survival is over.
”The struggle has only just begun”, Grandmother informed. ”Now you have to influence your other Selves to feel and think like you do”. I nodded. How long could I keep up this charade? Supposedly I was now okay with having been abused as a kid. Supposedly I now accepted it happened for a noble rainbow purpose. I leaned my head into my hands. Like everything else about me, the sound of my heart breaking was silent.

Grandfather Harry asked me to go for a walk with him. It was midday and the sun glimmered on frost covered ground.
”Don’t worry”, he told me. ”You won’t be expected to go to meetings, since you have such little control over your Selves. You are with the Rainbow Circle because you need to belong somewhere. You need to be overlooked. You need to be left in peace. You see, I have other plans for you.” I felt hope spiring inside, like spring’s first flower shooting through snow. This is something good. The first notes of a familiar song, an answer at the tip of my tongue…

”Do not try to remember!” He exclaimed. ”The time has not arrived for you to be aware of your mission! All you need to know is you belong to Rainbow Circle, just like most of us belong to the Grey Brotherhood, to obscure we’re really something else.”

Oh. I must have furrowed my eyebrows, because again he cautioned me:
”Don’t try to remember! When the time is right, you’ll know. All you need to do now is talk like a rainbow. Or rather, write like one.”
Thank you, I signaled. I couldn’t believe the magnitude of the gift bestowed. I wouldn’t have to go to Society meetings! I’d only need express the opinions of an average member when spoken to.

Guinevere:

Assassins. I’ve heard Society members accusing my family of secretly belonging to the dreaded Assassins’ Circle. I did ask some relatives if this was true. I questioned different persons but their response was identical:
”Of course we’re not assassins!” Followed by a hearty laugh – and a wink of the eye. Of course. Of course not.

I imagine readers would like to know how I feel about the Rainbow flag and the Pride movement.

Short answer: I love it!

Long answer: I love that the rainbow stands for consensual sexual relationships between human adults! I was told Rainbow Circle is hundreds of years old. The Pride movement, in wielding a rainbow flag, has stolen back the power of life and love from abusive cultists. So may all the beautiful colors continue to signify love between adults who willingly choose one another.

The creator of the Rainbow Flag did ascribe some interesting qualities to the colors. Had he come into contact with Society members? Either way, he took the rainbow and gave it a good and healthy meaning.

Baker saw the rainbow as a natural flag from the sky, so he adopted eight colors for the stripes, each color with its own meaning (hot pink for sex, red for life, orange for healing, yellow for sunlight, green for nature, turquoise for art, indigo for harmony, and violet for spirit).

How did the Rainbow Flag become a symbol of LGBTQ Pride? Nora Gonzales, Brittanica. https://www.britannica.com/story/how-did-the-rainbow-flag-become-a-symbol-of-lgbt-pride